Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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