shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
