the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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