Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
