Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
