it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
