I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
