i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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