my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
