They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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