I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize