I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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