I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
