Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
