I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
