Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
