you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
