It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
