Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
