I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
