You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
