and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's blow job season.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
