I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
