So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize