Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
and you fell through a lawn chair
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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