So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize