I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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