Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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