Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
