I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
