mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
