is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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