yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i now understand why vodka
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
