I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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