i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
