i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
