Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
