im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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