I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
