He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
