Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
