Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
