i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize