I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
