i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
