My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
