He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
