Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
