Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
