Plan B is the new Plan A
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
