While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
