The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
