Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
