hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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