I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
