just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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