You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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