she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
God gave him joint rollers for hands
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
